April 4, 2009
I walk down the hallways. I see the same faces. I go to the same classes. But today is different. I guess you could say that I woke up in a funk today. But it’s so much more. Today I want to be free. I just want to be free from the confines of gravity. Like a bird in a cage, I am stuck; clipped wings, and shattered dreams. (I think that’s why I am really going to go though with this.) The bell rang for the end fourth period. Everybody scurried to their next class.
I stood in the hallway and did not move. I watched everyone: some waved to me and some gave me dirty looks. I just smiled because I have my secret. My whole purpose has become this secret. The second bell rang, indicating that fifth period was starting. The hallway was empty. The cold silver and green lockers stared at me. It was time. It was my time. I turned around towards the full length window. I backed up slightly and then I ran. A shattering of glass and I was free. For a second everything flashed before my eyes. In that second I saw pain, I saw love, I saw people I’ve never seen before, and some I saw everyday.
I did not fly, I fell. As I crashed to the ground I felt the pain of the end of the world. Despite this, I smiled, I looked up at the sky that was closing in on me and whispered to the stars above, I’m coming. I closed my eyes for the last time and I dreamt that thunder was chasing rain.
I found myself in the same hallway. I saw the same faces. But this time was different. This time no one waved. To my surprise no one even gave me a dirty look. In fact, no one even looked at me. Sometimes someone would look my way. But they weren’t looking at me, they were looking past me. As if I wasn’t there.
As if I didn’t exist.
I ran though the window again. This time, however, there was no shattering glass, no abrupt crash. I did not fall, I flew.
I was finally free…
April 1, 2009
It wasn’t Halloween, but that didn’t matter. They were throwing candy from those big red fire trucks anyway. There was a huge crowd gathered around the fire trucks. Everyone was happy… I mean, why wouldn’t they be? It was a dream come true: being rained on by candy. All types of candy fell from the sky. I reached up to grab a piece, but it turned to rain as I caught it. It was pouring. The crowd slowly dissolved into a lonely forest covered in fog so deep it was like a blank piece of paper. The fire trucks had faded too; lost without a trace. And then there was me, and just me, alone in the forest with my arms reached for the sky.
It wasn’t until I started moving that I realized I was soaking wet. I was dripping with a mix of tears and rain–because life doesn’t make sense, because life has no meaning, no purpose, no reason. So my tears fell from my eyes like acid rain, slowly burning down my face and then cascading to the ground.
I can still see his face in others. I can smell him. He’s here, he has to be. But make-believe is weak to reality, and reality came crashing down like a wave in a tsunami: he was dead. He is dead, and there is nothing that can change that. No cure, no vaccine, no remedy could save him. No love, no hate, no guilt would bring him back. He’s in the air. He’s everything and yet nothing all at once. He’s still in my memories and in my dreams. But I can’t live like this. I looked down to find a gun in my hand. There was bang that no one was around to here. A flash of color so bright it put the sun to shame.
Then there was me and him, in a crowd of people, reaching up for candy. We were both smiling and so happy. Why shouldn’t we be? Everything was perfect.
There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head and you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. you memorized their laugh, their smile and their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you and you don’t want to let go even though you know it’s just an illusion.
Everytime you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and somtimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh, but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want is to go back in time. Not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feelings so no one would know. You put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts becomes invisible. it’s still there, but no ones knows. Like a love letter you never sent. You’re hurting no one but yourself.
March 29, 2009
Find that someone and love them until you can’t feel anything anymore. It’s worth the pain. It’s worth the time. It’s worth giving up every piece of dignity you have. Even if it makes you look like a fool. Even if it makes you look stupid in everyone else’s eyes. Don’t ever ever ever listen to what they tell you or what they make you feel. Because in the end, we all go through the same thing. We love and hurt. We love and die. Loving is never really owning. Loving is giving everything you can and trying to give everything you cannot. You must never expect anything in return if you love. Love with all your heart and if he cannot give anything in return, learn to accept that and wait for your love to fade. Never ever hope for love to vanish. Because I tell you, it won’t. When you love someone, it will never go away. It will just fade. There will always be a little piece of your heart that will yearn for him. You cannot make it go away. You have to accept things for what they are and what they are meant to be. Learn to let go and move on. Learn to remember the good things that you’ve shared with him, even if it’s not mutual. Learn to remember the way he smells, the way his eyes look when he’s happy, the way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he says hello and the way he says good bye. Don’t forget the memories just because he cannot give anything in return. Look back and remember the good things because in the end it’s always the good things that matter, not the bad.
March 28, 2009
I’m never going to send you this because you will laugh. I’m never going to send you this because you’ll never be mine again, and after six months of fighting, I’m done. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I don’t think about you everyday, because I do. There are so many things I want to tell you, but you wont listen. I find myself on rooftops shouting “I love you, I love you, I love you”. If I could i would tell you a thousand billion times, and never get sick of the smile you’d wear. I hope the butterflies come back, and i hope they’d carry you home. I am your home and you are mine.
I need you so much in my life, that I hold onto the pain because it’s all i have left of you. People say that the pain will go away, but I’m not sure that’s where I want it to go. It’s the only way I feel anything anymore. Would you believe that after all you’ve put me through, I still love you, I still care, you still own my heart. Without you I am, as you once said you’d be without me, “an empty shell”.
I remember everything, and I know you do too. I compare everyone to you. Everything connects to you. When I try to forget you, I am constantly reminded of our lost love.
I always wonder: do you ever think of me? Do you ever miss me? Does the thought of me ever make you cry? But I’m never going to send you this, because I’m afraid that you really dont care.